You've Got to Be Kidding
by MordeMe
Summary: Legolas in normal Earth! Oh goody! Yeah, right. This is what would really happen. :Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize as not mine...


If the 'Fellowship' turned up on your doorstep would you actually let them in? I didn't think any sane person would, so I wrote this. Enjoy.

Scenario the First

Jane was a very nice girl. She did well in school- well, she used to. You see, Jane was smart, but she had so many better things to do besides homework. She was interested in a copious amount of extracurricular activities.

Jane loved learning about medieval weaponry. She studied it in highschool, and she trained during weekends. On Sundays she took archery lessons, and on Saturday she took fencing lessons. She excelled at both.

Jane was also very good at sports. She was just athletic. Best in her division at everything. Whether it be basketball, soccer, or Water Polo, Jane kicked buttocks. Both cheeks in soccer, but that's a different story.

With all her super-goodyness, one would expect Jane to have no social life. Boy, are those people wrong. Everyone loved Jane and constantly wanted to hang with her. The goths loved her for her 'speshul' brand of poetry, the populars adored her for her perky attitude, and the guys liked her for her perky chest. Because, as we all know, every single guy in the universe is shallow and chauvinistic.

More than all of those other things, however, Jane was a Tolkien-worshiper. Or, at least, she CLAIMED to be. I doubt whether Jane even knew what J.R.R. stands for. In truth, Jane just thought that Orlando Bloom was hot with blue eyes. And she liked watching his firm posterior during the second Lord of the Rings movie.

Because Jane was so devoted to that particular fandom, she received plastic surgery on her ears for her fifteenth birthday to make them look more pointed. At this point I would like to bore you all senseless with a very long, drawn-out, and generally unneeded description of Jane.

Jane was the epitome of beauty. She radiated with a heavenly glow (that nuclear war really took a toll on her), and her porcelain skin (which was rather impractical seeing as how easily porcelain cracks) was soft to the touch (but hard to the smell).

Her eyes alone deserved their own paragraph, but I'm lazy, so I'll just say the were purple. Even though they tended to change colors when ever Jane felt like being special.

Her hair was the most impractical thing of all. It was every color of the Rainbow, Urple, AND Brellow. And it hung down to Jane's petite feet. Surprisingly, it never became tangled, and it never caught on tree branches.

Even though Jane showed her happy face to the world, inside she was seething with teen angst. Unfortunately, she had nothing to angst about. That poor, poor Sue- I mean girl.

The only thing not absolutely perfect with Jane's life was that she was devoid of love. Except for the love form her parents. She had lots of that. She also had love from her siblings. And love from all her BESTEST friends. And Lesbian love from her stalker-friend, but Jane doesn't like to talk about that as she is still going through therapy. She also would like to point out that she was drunk.

On the day that this story begins, Jane was conveniently left home alone for a month while her parents went out of town. Really, her parents had no reason to be out of town, but who cares about a silly thing like that. Let us just pretend that there was a legitimate reason for Jane's parents to flee the country for a very long time.

It was a warm, Summer Tuesday, which, in all actuality, isn't that different from a warm, Summer Wednesday. Anywho, our main character was sitting by her porch contemplating what to do. She was lonely and bore because all her friends were away at Summer Camp, and her parents had left her all alone.

Suddenly, she heard a rustling noise come from the woods behind her house. She stood up cautiously, knowing that she could kick the butt of whoever was out there.

Out stepped... Orlando Bloom! Only he was dressed as Legolas. This puzzled Jane greatly, but she didn't really care because she loved Leggy even MORE than Orlando Bloom. But she had a special name for Leggy. Secretly, she called him... Foxy Loxy Golden Legoloxy. But I bet you didn't want to know that. I sure as fudge didn't.

The elf (why else would he have pointed ears?) bowed gallantly to Jane, and she curtsied awkwardly.

"Good day, fair lady," he said in a polite, yet still sexy, manner. "Would you know of a place where I could seek food and board? I am most weary from my long trek through the wilderness."

Jane could hardly believe her eyes, ears, or tonsils. After all, tonsils can be rather tricky blighters.

Back to the story then. Jane gazed in wonder at the magnificent being before her. In a very small, insecure voice she asked, " What is your name, good sir?"

Smoothly, he responded. "I am Legolas of the Mirkwood realm, son of Thranduil who is King." Jane paid no attention to the little warning flags popping up in her mind. She disregarded the fact that Legolas would not know Westron. She completely ignored the common sense that told her that Legolas would not have said so much about himself to a potential enemy, and she invited him into her house.

This proved to be a fatal mistake.

Jane was kept prisoner in her own house for a week. 'Legolas' turned out to be a serial rapist named Bob Mangaloonsda. Hey, if you had a name like that you'd probably do horrible things too.

Anywho, Bob did unspeakable things to Jane, stole all her money and silverware, dyed her cat puce, and spit on her favorite Legolas pillow. Then he left, never to be seen again. Until the cops caught up to him three days later and sent him off to a maximum security prison.

Really though, stupid girls should not allow men claiming to be Legolas into their homes. It just isn't smart.

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So whaddid you think? I have many other ideas for similar concepts. I think the next one will have a REAL fellowship with the girl being a sceptic. If you believe I should continue with this endeavor please tell me!


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